Fell off the wagon

Well I haven't had time to post lately. It has gotten hectic. I was doing chem homework in driver's ed, and still managing to take 5 pages of notes for driver's ed in 3 hours. Blah.

I started TRACK! Yes! ME! With bad knees and all. I love it. Yesterday, I forgot socks, so now I am missing around five inches of skin off the bottom of each foot, plus five huge blisters. I can barely walk, but I have to run outside today. :)

I can't look cute. :( I need to get cute running clothes. Our first meet is on Tuesday.

I am having a major boy crisis, and I haven't had much luck with sleep lately. Fun. lol

I must post more tonight, but for now, I have to find something to wear!

Tennis

I am signing up for High School Tennis. My dad played in high school, he actually got a scholarship too. I played for six years, my sister plays. It seems logical. Swim is over, and I want something to do. :P

I have a feeling my parents won't be happy if they have to drive me, so I need to get a job to get a car, to get insurance. :P

I am going to run 3 miles today. No exceptions. I have to finish, no matter how long it takes me.

Judging Me?

"You dress goth." "Why do you wear so much black?" "Are you emo now, going to cut yourself?"

Would it be too harsh to tell everyone to fuck off? I think I might loose some friends... I can't help I like the color black...

There was a point to saying all that, but that has escaped me. Oh gosh. 5 1/2 hours of sleep KILLS me.





I am amazed I can still do that. OH YES! People said so much about my black attire. hah Really? I have pink tight that have huge holes, or I had thick black tights that were in one piece. What would you have chosen. Mind you our home is barely hovering at 55 degrees.

"I'm the girl your ex will hate, the girl your mom will love, and the girl you'll want to be with forever."

That holds true, once I stop swearing.

"A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future." -Coco Chanel

I am going to try whatever my friend got from Victoria's secret a while ago. sigh. I am almost out...

Stuck in Snow

So cold!! lol There is snow suffocating me in my own house. lol Homework just isn't fun on Saturdays.

"I'm the kind of girl who will laugh at nothing, and hugs complete strangers. I am no where near perfect, and I can't see five feet in front of me without glasses. My homework is never done, because my attention span loves shiny things. I don't care what people say about me, because if they are going to talk about me, they might as well have something to talk about.

I love summer, and would love to lay in the grass looking at the stars every night. Just laying there with your friends, and ignoring the hundred mosquito bites, and just staring at the beauty. Getting lost in them as you fall asleep in the Georgia summer air. Those are some of my best memories.

I love winter, laughing and darting through the snow with your friends. Shivering as snowflakes gently tickle your face. Huge smiles as you throw snow at each other then laughing as you fall into the snow. Trying to run into the house before you freeze.

I love my friends, family, unofficial family, and husband. I love them all to death. I have my unofficial little sister, my little sister, my husband, my best friend, and the other hundred people I love. They are the most amazing people in this world.

I wish I could freeze life right now. I wish this would never end, my friends wouldn't move away, high school wouldn't end, swim team would never end, and we all wouldn't leave for college. I love life, and everyone in it."

Don't Know Where To Start

Where can I start? I am freezing, three people are moving away, my birth control is making me false happy, I want to cry, my head is hurting, I have a B in Trig, and I want to sleep.

On a happier note... I AM GOING SHOPPING! yay.

Fuck it all.

Hah. I sound high in all my posts, and they do NOT sound like me. I am normally exhausted by the time I post though, so yay.

Yesterday, I barely made it through the day.lol I think I asked someone if they were excited summer was over... Uh. yeah... Not what I was going for. I couldn't find where I lived on a map for like ten minutes in Driver's Ed. I called Drew, Paul. I called Paul, Drew. I also got in the shower with my glasses on this morning.

Sleep deprived? Yes. Going Crazy? Likely.

I got a D+ on a trig test. wtf. Yeah me. Miss all A's almost failed a test. Wow. That is crazy. Soooo. It went from a B+, to a C+, to a D+. Anyone see a pattern? Yeah.

Off to school. :( Swim= FUN!

I sit here

I sit here... er lay here, thinking about life. I am a procrastinator by nature, but I strive for perfection, even when I knowingly cheat myself of it. I don't let anyone know about my blog, for fear of being judged.

I am writing a book. I really am. It is good so far. I am also doing a 500 word a day challenge. I hope to move up to 1,000 words a day.

737 words to my book. I did it all yesterday. Today, I want to get it up to 3,000. I will be exhausted, but I must do it.

SECTIONALS

I have a swim meet on Valentine's day. Don't get me wrong, seeing guys without shirts on is way better than what I would be doing. It is just depressing. I don't want a boyfriend. hah Sad fact there my friend. Friends with benefits? I would be ok with that. I have trust issues. lol

There are a few guys who should be required NOT to wear shirts. Hot. Seriously, hot.

I am having a whole OMG-I-NEED-A-BOYFRIEND-BECAUSE-MY-MOTHER-IS-STARTING-TO-THINK-I-AM-HARBORING-SAME-SEX-TENDANCIES moment. She didn't know about Ben. We didn't even go out. lol I have had a lot of "boyfriends." I really don't remember some. I just tell guys they are my boyfriend for about a day. It is a joke. They all are.

Swim meet? Gonna kick ass. <3

Oh. If I don't? I am going to be state champion.

Death?

Ugh. Driver's ed is depressing. We had to label this sheet, and mark off things. Let me explain. We had a piece of paper that said:

Religion
Family
Good Friends
Money and Job
Self Respect and Trust
Freedom and No Legal Problems
Partying
Good Health
Making My Own Decisions
Love and Being Loved

I am not 100% sure how I ended up with just "Love and Being Loved" being the only one not being crossed off.

She told us to cross of three. I crossed off Religion, Self Respect and Trust, and Partying. Easy ish...

Three more? Making My Own Decisions, Good Friends, and Freedom and No Legal Problems.

Three more? Damn. It left me with the last. That is really sad. I mean my family is going to stop talking to me in like two years as it is so...

Everyone says I am going to hell. According to them, my really close friends or people really close to me and going to hell. They say I can change it. It really wouldn't be "heaven" without these people. It sounds stupid. I love them. Truly love them.

Sigh

"If Today Was Your Last Day" blares in the background as my new GPA stares back at me like a horrible memory. It's contrasting black lettering seems to leap from the screen, as I try to block out the horrible memory of the one test. 3.500 it says. What? Yeah. Me! Miss 4.56, has a 3.5 in two classes. UGH! I have a B+ and an A-. I can easily get that back from an A- to an A with turning in that worksheet. The B+? I am soooo dead. I can only hope hw will help me. :(

Yesterday was quite entertaining. lol Four freshman were hitting on me. haha They were just so adorable... Two years younger. UGH! lol One was cute... He was like 6 months younger. Very cute. None of them my type.

I will post something later because I will be very mad by 5 tonight. Or very happy.

Fun?

My friend was making fun of me being excited about a 1.20. lol I have an extreme fear of swimming backstroke in meets. It happened when I was 10... Not the point. I also don't like not seeing where I am going. :( Oh well.

Today was... Interesting. It dragged on!!! Ugh! Plus we watched this horrid video that I am pretty sure I managed to fall asleep during with my eyes open. idk It was a bad day in school.

I kicked ... at swim!! It was amazing how powerful it was. Now my arms are exhausted and I still have to vacuum. :( Plus empty the dishwasher, do ALL the dishes (cookies were made today), do more laundry, and then homework. Ick. lol

I am starting to switch my top college. lol It is crazy how much undergrad doesn't matter to me. I will be there for maybe 3 years. So... I need a small college. I didn't think about going to a state college until someone said they could never go to one because of the huge classes. Darn. That would bug me. I have to have smaller classes. I don't like being pushed into the background and being just another name.

I need a small college. I would like a non religious one, but I am looking at a Christian college. I don't like creationism Biology. It isn't... I am going to kick myself for saying it later, but practical. I never will say I don't believe in it, but not everyone is Christian, and learning from that perspective bothers me. I would rather have a secular education.

On another note, I am starting a new book. I started one, got 25 pages, and stopped. I couldn't do it. It disgusted me. It wasn't my style. I was just writing to write. I need to put my heart into it. :P It takes 9 months to make a child, and I am pretty sure it will take me at least that to create this book.

No Makeup? No problem... sorta.

Haha I went swimming today all on my own! I saw ALOT of people after I went swimming too. hah Great. Me swimming equates to no makeup or the small traces left clinging to my face, wet ponytail, and workout clothes. Oh well...

1.20! That was my 100 back time with no start and after just swimming a 50 back, and all out 100 fly. I believe I might make it!!! Maybe. 2 seconds off still needed.

Ugh. One more week till sectionals. O.O OH NO! It is on Valentine's day. How fun. :P I feel bad for the non single people. Poor things.

I need a job. NOW! I applied at 7 places. One wanted me to work a 14 hour shift on my feet. I cannot do that. :( I am going to try the grocery store again. I saw like 6 people I knew working there.

Ok. I need to figure out my day. OH WAIT! I know. Popcorn, homework, superbowl commercials, and babysitting. :)

Limitless Hell

I woke up this morning to hear my parents yelling. I went back to sleep. It reminded me of how it all used to be. That used to be a common, lately it went away, but I fear my life will again be thrown into the turmoil of fights, and meaningless battles. I wish that I wasn't the mediator for the petty fights that ensue because something didn't go right. It never starts out as a petty fight, mind you. It is something cruel and heartless said, fought over, somewhat resolved, but from the tensions that are contained in the air, sparks are formed from little things. Petty fights are born from the aftermath of the burning fires that were ignited in the earlier hours. He didn't take out the trash, she said something about his shirt. Little fights that were spawned from the hell that was wrought from their indifference.

Today my dad made my sister cry. He proceeded to confront her in her wake of tears and demand her to tell the "full" story which only showed him as a more guilty contender in this twisted game of right and wrong that makes it's debut ever so often in our home.

I sink into a dark depression on weekends. Maybe it is the extended period I must inhabit the same space as these beings that created me or share some genetic similarities. Or perhaps it is the lonliness I create for myself in my bedroom. The quiet, the silence, it is freeing. Yet it surrounds me and suffocates my soul.

I should really start writing depressing poetry. I think I would be good. It would seem practically suicidal. hah

I want to swim today. I love swimming. The water surrounding me, and the movement within it, so loose and free.

Sectionals in 1 week and 1 day! yay! 100 fly, 50 free, 100 back. <3

Today was interesting...

Those posts were depressing. Oh well.

Tomorrow I have a lovely Chemistry test that will hopefully bring my grade to a solid A or A+. I have a high A-, but I am pretty confident about this. I wish I was like that about Trig. I got a C+ on that last test. HORRIBLE!! It drops my overall grade to a B+. What in the world?? NO! I need a 4.0- 4.33 to even get considered for scholarships. THAT IS UNWEIGHTED! UGH!

I am exhausted. Sleep then study. hah I'll set an alarm for an hour.

Glad

I am glad my parents don't care. They don't care about anything I wear or do. I have freedom. I wore one of my favorite shirts today. I was called lesbian for it, but I don't care. I stopped caring. I stopped thinking, caring, wondering, assuming, and pondering anything. I am in the moment. The now. Yet, I feel alone. hah Alone in the present, yet surrounded by people. I am lonely. I come home, and I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to hide, and never be found. It all changes when I go to school. For those few hours I am in a bubble of socialness. I have been thrust into it, and even watching those around me be happy, makes me happy.

Physical pain seems to follow me. If it isn't my shoulder, it is my knee. If it isn't my knee it is a headache. There is always something. I don't like taking advil. I take too much too fast. It will kill me one of these days. I know it. My friend thinks I like am going to OD on Advil. hahah

People stopped hurting me a long time ago. It just makes me tired. Not mad, sad or angry, tired. I was called a bitch seven times today, a lesbian at least twice that, stupid five, whore twice, and a slut once.

I sound depressed.

My lab partner was sick today. So I asked this other guy. I think I scared him... I over do the fake happy thing. It isn't really fake happy. I am hyper and on a social high. When I am around kids my age, I am happy and fun. Otherwise I act "goth" or so people call it.

Back to the guy. He barely talked, and did not look me in the eye. lol Poor kid. I just went up to him and asked if he had a lab partner. I do that to people. Give them no other option, they just can't say no. Literally.

Pondering

I often ponder the meaning of our existence and to whether we actually have a purpose. I watch fish swim in their little bowls, and to them they are content with their meaningless lives. We watch them for pleasure, but they have no other purpose. They eat and swim, then die. What if that is all that we are here for? We eat, live, play, work, then die. What would that accomplish? Absolutely nothing. We are a waste of resources. What about those of us who in comparison to great minds do nothing during our lifetime? We again, are a waste of valuable resources. Who is to say I will make it to medical school, or even make a difference?

The fear of failure is ofter overcome with the fear of success. I find myself afraid of people mistaking my blind attempts at perfection with actually success. I tend to not apply myself with the fear that people will expect too much and I will not be able to deliver. I fake ditzy stupidity so when I don't act mature and put together it will be the norm.

It isn't something that I should be proud of, but when I am alone or with anyone close I am myself. Hah I even have a baby voice I use with people. Just trying to make myself seem stupid. I used to not care, and try to seem smart. Then they would just mock me if I did something mildly immature, stupid, or wrong. I was sick of it.

Today I won't care what my parents would think, of frankly what anyone would. I am not some emotionless teenage girl with no thoughts but flirting. I am sick of being afraid to flirt because of what people will think.

Every summer I change. It is like I am emerging into a new life. I am who I really am, and don't really care what anyone thinks because summer is a precious time that is over before it really begins. Today begins my ever lasting summer.

Oh my life

The life of me... It is so boring, yet hectic. So adventurous, yet reserved. Ok. I'm done. lol I sometimes wonder if everything is worth it. Every one talks about their futures and envisions themselves in their respective careers. I can sometimes do it, but my range of focus rarely drifts past the preceding day.

My dreams of medical school seem so distant, yet so very near. hah This is not some poetic analogy. The thought of being in medical school seems so far off that I wonder if I will ever make it. While the lingering nervousness about the loans that happen to be synonymous with medical school, make the thought seem so near.

Without a job, car or license, my life seems ever so dull and lacks the preparation for my future it so desperately needs. I wonder if I wasn't so controlled by my parent's worries if I would be different.

Not only do they fret about me and boys, they fret about grades, and other such items. They have gotten better, and ever since I started school, they seem to basically not care at all. At. All.

It is quite sad how much they have dropped off, with out conversations barely scratching the surface of our daily lives. Of course my mother has begun to open up about everything, but now I feel alone with no one to talk to. I have worries and concerns, and my best friend is even MIA.

Ugh. I am also so tired.

Makeup

I swear, children these days are going crazy.

Example 1) There are three 13 year olds that have kissed 16-19 girls/guys. You have got to be kidding me. Oh! I was telling my friend that, and supposedly you can get oral herpes. I started laughing. It is seriously a thing. Mainly from um... well think about it, but you can transmit it from kissing. I was laughing to hard....

Example 2) Every 12-13 year old I know has had at least 2 "boy friends" or "girl friends." Um... It speaks for itself.

Example 3) When I was 13/14 one of my friends had sex with her boyfriend. I don't think I have been shocked as much as then. I had just gotten my first kiss... I don't know if I have just really innocent friends, but 14 is really young. I don't care who you are.

I am not judging, and I think it is just the norm for all this. Not example 3, but the other two. Dating and kissing are just being pushed towards younger kids. At 13 I remember flirting and kissing A guy. Singular.

I have just been in a bad mood all weekend. I keep dwelling on the fact that my ex or sorta ex (We never really dated) ignores me and my bff. If we had just been bf/gf that would have been fine to ignore me. We were all BEST FRIENDS. That isn't used loosely with us. Now it is just CaitiCat and me. ):

I never got sad about losing him. I got sad and angry at the things he said, just not that he left. I did tell him I didn't want to talk to him right then, but he knew that I was going through a horrible time. I know I shouldn't tell someone that, then expect it to go back to normal. I guess I don't want it to either.

It was like, we had huge fights, then tried to make up, and we did for the most part. Then he got pissed, and we both said things. Ugh. Now I feel confused.

How could we be so close, and know all of each other's secrets. Yet all that is left, is a couple photos, and other things. That is all.

On a brighter note? Wait nope. My weekend has been boring.

I can't say "I love you!" to guys anymore. I think the word love scares them...

Late Start

UGH! A late start? Really? Come on. No one wants shortened periods when we have a CHEM TEST. I need more time as it is, now we get like 15-20 min less. >.< Great.

"Stop being sarcastic." "I'm not sarcastic..."

hah I was being super sarcastic yesterday. -not good- Although I didn't get grounded. win.

Medical school? Oh yeah. I am looking at some. Go me? haha I have no clue what I want anymore. I always wanted to be a doctor... Johns Hopkins, University of Iowa, Mercer, Harvard, Stanford, UPenn, UGA, etc... They all have either a medical school, or pharmacy school. Quite a range. haha UIowa is mostly my top choice. It is also the cheapest...

Lately I have been so tired. I just wish I could be more upbeat and alive.

Miss Caiti Cat never posts on her blog, so... (:

2010

20 Favorite Memories From 2009.

1) Talking on the phone with Ben right at 9:01 for hours. lol FREE MINUTES!
2) Sectionals. That was... interesting.
3) All those days in the backyard swinging with B this summer.
4) Going to GA and just laying there getting eaten by ants.
5) Swim Meets this fall.
6) Joking about flirting with those guys, then me being the only one to do it.
7) Staying up way to late talking to Ben. Then getting married and engaged.
8) Cait, Ben and I sharing starbucks cause they need to make smaller sizes for me and Cait.
9) Getting married to Brandon!! <3
10) The swim meets over the summer, when I was the only one to get to swim with the boys.
11) Rays Swim team as a whole. lol
12) Ben licking my straw.
13) Cait and I going to the mall!!
14) Cait and I staying up way to late on halloween, me falling asleep, and mountain dew livewire!
15) Being so excited for snow.
16) Cait and I staying up til 4 talking one night.
17) Telling guys I thought they were hot...
18) Coming home after Boston!!!!!!!
19) Truth or Dare with Ben. rofl THAT IS BURNED INTO MY MEMORY.
20) Everything!!

My days

Snow day! I don't think I have ever been more grateful for snow. Thank goodness my chem test was pushed back. Hopefully we have school tomorrow though.

I finally have people to sit with at lunch. They are awesome, and I don't feel like I have to continually be fake. Which was me for a long time.

Smuggling coke into school? No. Not that kind. The soda. lol No one really knows if you can bring soda, but a lot of people do, including me. I need caffeine to survive not falling asleep in 4th block. It is so boring.

Not to mention he turns off the light and just drones on and on, and then we have to take notes??? Turn back on the lights!! haha

My glasses are killing me slowly. I swear. I need contacts, because I look "goth."

Other than that... I don't do anything else. School. Swim. Sleep.

I might join theatre club or something. I used to love my drama club, before I moved. hmm... I NEED TO DO SOMETHING. Not that I have time, but something fun.

I convinced my mother to let me go full time next year. YAY! AP Bio, AP Chem, AP Calc, and something else... Or I will do 3/4 there and two classes at college. It could work.

It is scary, next year will be my last. *sniff*

Swim?

Oh yes. Swim meet. I finally got a 28 in my 50 Y free!! I was literally jumping up and down with excitement. Then I slipped and fell...

Other than that, the meet was fun, but seemed to last way too late. I got 1st in 100 back, so that will be nice. I love blue ribbons, even if we only had two swimmers in that event. :D

I have my second day of school. That is awkward to say, seeing I am a sophomore. Oh that too. I AM A SOPHOMORE?!? When did that happen? When they looked at my birthday... On the bright side, I can take the PSAT next year. That is kinda crazy. It is weird being with people my age.

I guess I feel young now. I have more options I suppose. I still want to graduate early, because I really have nothing more to take, unless I get advanced. I mean after Calc next year, there is nothing. After AP Bio and AP Chem, there is nothing, and etc.

"You are a sophomore?! Oh. Well we can't go out now. I only date older women." "Um.... First, you have a girl friend. Second, you are a sophomore." "So?"

That was a funny conversation... You had to be there. Really.

First Blog Post

First blog post, my millionth blog. I didn't really get back into blogging once Ben and my blog died. haha

I went into American Eagle, and finally got some jeans. Thank goodness, because all my jeans I can wear are at least 2-3 years old. That doesn't seem long, but they are falling apart. One pair doesn't have a pocket anymore....

My weekend?

So. I got to spend the weekend hearing about how I am stupid, shy, and can't do anything right, because I was homeschooled. Yep. That's it. I was home schooled, and that is why I don't talk to you. Maybe it is because everything that comes out of your mouth is a racist comment, or a comment directed at me or my mother's stupidity. Perhaps it is about the comments that remark about overweight people, and asking my mother if her favorite store was the Cheesecake Factory. Oh wait! Maybe it was your thoughts about how you hate every other religion but your own, when I just told you that I had friends that were of other religions. Nope, none of those reasons. It was because I was homeschooled.

My grandparents were in town. I guess they think I am stupid, shy, and will fail out of graduate school when the time comes. Plus, they hate me.

On a brighter note, my first day at school, I didn't die. It was actually pretty fun, not as bad as I thought, and I have yet to encounter anyone... nevermind. lol