Pondering

I often ponder the meaning of our existence and to whether we actually have a purpose. I watch fish swim in their little bowls, and to them they are content with their meaningless lives. We watch them for pleasure, but they have no other purpose. They eat and swim, then die. What if that is all that we are here for? We eat, live, play, work, then die. What would that accomplish? Absolutely nothing. We are a waste of resources. What about those of us who in comparison to great minds do nothing during our lifetime? We again, are a waste of valuable resources. Who is to say I will make it to medical school, or even make a difference?

The fear of failure is ofter overcome with the fear of success. I find myself afraid of people mistaking my blind attempts at perfection with actually success. I tend to not apply myself with the fear that people will expect too much and I will not be able to deliver. I fake ditzy stupidity so when I don't act mature and put together it will be the norm.

It isn't something that I should be proud of, but when I am alone or with anyone close I am myself. Hah I even have a baby voice I use with people. Just trying to make myself seem stupid. I used to not care, and try to seem smart. Then they would just mock me if I did something mildly immature, stupid, or wrong. I was sick of it.

Today I won't care what my parents would think, of frankly what anyone would. I am not some emotionless teenage girl with no thoughts but flirting. I am sick of being afraid to flirt because of what people will think.

Every summer I change. It is like I am emerging into a new life. I am who I really am, and don't really care what anyone thinks because summer is a precious time that is over before it really begins. Today begins my ever lasting summer.