Fell off the wagon

Well I haven't had time to post lately. It has gotten hectic. I was doing chem homework in driver's ed, and still managing to take 5 pages of notes for driver's ed in 3 hours. Blah.

I started TRACK! Yes! ME! With bad knees and all. I love it. Yesterday, I forgot socks, so now I am missing around five inches of skin off the bottom of each foot, plus five huge blisters. I can barely walk, but I have to run outside today. :)

I can't look cute. :( I need to get cute running clothes. Our first meet is on Tuesday.

I am having a major boy crisis, and I haven't had much luck with sleep lately. Fun. lol

I must post more tonight, but for now, I have to find something to wear!

Tennis

I am signing up for High School Tennis. My dad played in high school, he actually got a scholarship too. I played for six years, my sister plays. It seems logical. Swim is over, and I want something to do. :P

I have a feeling my parents won't be happy if they have to drive me, so I need to get a job to get a car, to get insurance. :P

I am going to run 3 miles today. No exceptions. I have to finish, no matter how long it takes me.

Judging Me?

"You dress goth." "Why do you wear so much black?" "Are you emo now, going to cut yourself?"

Would it be too harsh to tell everyone to fuck off? I think I might loose some friends... I can't help I like the color black...

There was a point to saying all that, but that has escaped me. Oh gosh. 5 1/2 hours of sleep KILLS me.





I am amazed I can still do that. OH YES! People said so much about my black attire. hah Really? I have pink tight that have huge holes, or I had thick black tights that were in one piece. What would you have chosen. Mind you our home is barely hovering at 55 degrees.

"I'm the girl your ex will hate, the girl your mom will love, and the girl you'll want to be with forever."

That holds true, once I stop swearing.

"A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future." -Coco Chanel

I am going to try whatever my friend got from Victoria's secret a while ago. sigh. I am almost out...

Stuck in Snow

So cold!! lol There is snow suffocating me in my own house. lol Homework just isn't fun on Saturdays.

"I'm the kind of girl who will laugh at nothing, and hugs complete strangers. I am no where near perfect, and I can't see five feet in front of me without glasses. My homework is never done, because my attention span loves shiny things. I don't care what people say about me, because if they are going to talk about me, they might as well have something to talk about.

I love summer, and would love to lay in the grass looking at the stars every night. Just laying there with your friends, and ignoring the hundred mosquito bites, and just staring at the beauty. Getting lost in them as you fall asleep in the Georgia summer air. Those are some of my best memories.

I love winter, laughing and darting through the snow with your friends. Shivering as snowflakes gently tickle your face. Huge smiles as you throw snow at each other then laughing as you fall into the snow. Trying to run into the house before you freeze.

I love my friends, family, unofficial family, and husband. I love them all to death. I have my unofficial little sister, my little sister, my husband, my best friend, and the other hundred people I love. They are the most amazing people in this world.

I wish I could freeze life right now. I wish this would never end, my friends wouldn't move away, high school wouldn't end, swim team would never end, and we all wouldn't leave for college. I love life, and everyone in it."

Don't Know Where To Start

Where can I start? I am freezing, three people are moving away, my birth control is making me false happy, I want to cry, my head is hurting, I have a B in Trig, and I want to sleep.

On a happier note... I AM GOING SHOPPING! yay.

Fuck it all.

Hah. I sound high in all my posts, and they do NOT sound like me. I am normally exhausted by the time I post though, so yay.

Yesterday, I barely made it through the day.lol I think I asked someone if they were excited summer was over... Uh. yeah... Not what I was going for. I couldn't find where I lived on a map for like ten minutes in Driver's Ed. I called Drew, Paul. I called Paul, Drew. I also got in the shower with my glasses on this morning.

Sleep deprived? Yes. Going Crazy? Likely.

I got a D+ on a trig test. wtf. Yeah me. Miss all A's almost failed a test. Wow. That is crazy. Soooo. It went from a B+, to a C+, to a D+. Anyone see a pattern? Yeah.

Off to school. :( Swim= FUN!

I sit here

I sit here... er lay here, thinking about life. I am a procrastinator by nature, but I strive for perfection, even when I knowingly cheat myself of it. I don't let anyone know about my blog, for fear of being judged.

I am writing a book. I really am. It is good so far. I am also doing a 500 word a day challenge. I hope to move up to 1,000 words a day.

737 words to my book. I did it all yesterday. Today, I want to get it up to 3,000. I will be exhausted, but I must do it.

SECTIONALS

I have a swim meet on Valentine's day. Don't get me wrong, seeing guys without shirts on is way better than what I would be doing. It is just depressing. I don't want a boyfriend. hah Sad fact there my friend. Friends with benefits? I would be ok with that. I have trust issues. lol

There are a few guys who should be required NOT to wear shirts. Hot. Seriously, hot.

I am having a whole OMG-I-NEED-A-BOYFRIEND-BECAUSE-MY-MOTHER-IS-STARTING-TO-THINK-I-AM-HARBORING-SAME-SEX-TENDANCIES moment. She didn't know about Ben. We didn't even go out. lol I have had a lot of "boyfriends." I really don't remember some. I just tell guys they are my boyfriend for about a day. It is a joke. They all are.

Swim meet? Gonna kick ass. <3

Oh. If I don't? I am going to be state champion.

Death?

Ugh. Driver's ed is depressing. We had to label this sheet, and mark off things. Let me explain. We had a piece of paper that said:

Religion
Family
Good Friends
Money and Job
Self Respect and Trust
Freedom and No Legal Problems
Partying
Good Health
Making My Own Decisions
Love and Being Loved

I am not 100% sure how I ended up with just "Love and Being Loved" being the only one not being crossed off.

She told us to cross of three. I crossed off Religion, Self Respect and Trust, and Partying. Easy ish...

Three more? Making My Own Decisions, Good Friends, and Freedom and No Legal Problems.

Three more? Damn. It left me with the last. That is really sad. I mean my family is going to stop talking to me in like two years as it is so...

Everyone says I am going to hell. According to them, my really close friends or people really close to me and going to hell. They say I can change it. It really wouldn't be "heaven" without these people. It sounds stupid. I love them. Truly love them.

Sigh

"If Today Was Your Last Day" blares in the background as my new GPA stares back at me like a horrible memory. It's contrasting black lettering seems to leap from the screen, as I try to block out the horrible memory of the one test. 3.500 it says. What? Yeah. Me! Miss 4.56, has a 3.5 in two classes. UGH! I have a B+ and an A-. I can easily get that back from an A- to an A with turning in that worksheet. The B+? I am soooo dead. I can only hope hw will help me. :(

Yesterday was quite entertaining. lol Four freshman were hitting on me. haha They were just so adorable... Two years younger. UGH! lol One was cute... He was like 6 months younger. Very cute. None of them my type.

I will post something later because I will be very mad by 5 tonight. Or very happy.

Fun?

My friend was making fun of me being excited about a 1.20. lol I have an extreme fear of swimming backstroke in meets. It happened when I was 10... Not the point. I also don't like not seeing where I am going. :( Oh well.

Today was... Interesting. It dragged on!!! Ugh! Plus we watched this horrid video that I am pretty sure I managed to fall asleep during with my eyes open. idk It was a bad day in school.

I kicked ... at swim!! It was amazing how powerful it was. Now my arms are exhausted and I still have to vacuum. :( Plus empty the dishwasher, do ALL the dishes (cookies were made today), do more laundry, and then homework. Ick. lol

I am starting to switch my top college. lol It is crazy how much undergrad doesn't matter to me. I will be there for maybe 3 years. So... I need a small college. I didn't think about going to a state college until someone said they could never go to one because of the huge classes. Darn. That would bug me. I have to have smaller classes. I don't like being pushed into the background and being just another name.

I need a small college. I would like a non religious one, but I am looking at a Christian college. I don't like creationism Biology. It isn't... I am going to kick myself for saying it later, but practical. I never will say I don't believe in it, but not everyone is Christian, and learning from that perspective bothers me. I would rather have a secular education.

On another note, I am starting a new book. I started one, got 25 pages, and stopped. I couldn't do it. It disgusted me. It wasn't my style. I was just writing to write. I need to put my heart into it. :P It takes 9 months to make a child, and I am pretty sure it will take me at least that to create this book.

No Makeup? No problem... sorta.

Haha I went swimming today all on my own! I saw ALOT of people after I went swimming too. hah Great. Me swimming equates to no makeup or the small traces left clinging to my face, wet ponytail, and workout clothes. Oh well...

1.20! That was my 100 back time with no start and after just swimming a 50 back, and all out 100 fly. I believe I might make it!!! Maybe. 2 seconds off still needed.

Ugh. One more week till sectionals. O.O OH NO! It is on Valentine's day. How fun. :P I feel bad for the non single people. Poor things.

I need a job. NOW! I applied at 7 places. One wanted me to work a 14 hour shift on my feet. I cannot do that. :( I am going to try the grocery store again. I saw like 6 people I knew working there.

Ok. I need to figure out my day. OH WAIT! I know. Popcorn, homework, superbowl commercials, and babysitting. :)

Limitless Hell

I woke up this morning to hear my parents yelling. I went back to sleep. It reminded me of how it all used to be. That used to be a common, lately it went away, but I fear my life will again be thrown into the turmoil of fights, and meaningless battles. I wish that I wasn't the mediator for the petty fights that ensue because something didn't go right. It never starts out as a petty fight, mind you. It is something cruel and heartless said, fought over, somewhat resolved, but from the tensions that are contained in the air, sparks are formed from little things. Petty fights are born from the aftermath of the burning fires that were ignited in the earlier hours. He didn't take out the trash, she said something about his shirt. Little fights that were spawned from the hell that was wrought from their indifference.

Today my dad made my sister cry. He proceeded to confront her in her wake of tears and demand her to tell the "full" story which only showed him as a more guilty contender in this twisted game of right and wrong that makes it's debut ever so often in our home.

I sink into a dark depression on weekends. Maybe it is the extended period I must inhabit the same space as these beings that created me or share some genetic similarities. Or perhaps it is the lonliness I create for myself in my bedroom. The quiet, the silence, it is freeing. Yet it surrounds me and suffocates my soul.

I should really start writing depressing poetry. I think I would be good. It would seem practically suicidal. hah

I want to swim today. I love swimming. The water surrounding me, and the movement within it, so loose and free.

Sectionals in 1 week and 1 day! yay! 100 fly, 50 free, 100 back. <3

Today was interesting...

Those posts were depressing. Oh well.

Tomorrow I have a lovely Chemistry test that will hopefully bring my grade to a solid A or A+. I have a high A-, but I am pretty confident about this. I wish I was like that about Trig. I got a C+ on that last test. HORRIBLE!! It drops my overall grade to a B+. What in the world?? NO! I need a 4.0- 4.33 to even get considered for scholarships. THAT IS UNWEIGHTED! UGH!

I am exhausted. Sleep then study. hah I'll set an alarm for an hour.

Glad

I am glad my parents don't care. They don't care about anything I wear or do. I have freedom. I wore one of my favorite shirts today. I was called lesbian for it, but I don't care. I stopped caring. I stopped thinking, caring, wondering, assuming, and pondering anything. I am in the moment. The now. Yet, I feel alone. hah Alone in the present, yet surrounded by people. I am lonely. I come home, and I want to sleep and never wake up. I want to hide, and never be found. It all changes when I go to school. For those few hours I am in a bubble of socialness. I have been thrust into it, and even watching those around me be happy, makes me happy.

Physical pain seems to follow me. If it isn't my shoulder, it is my knee. If it isn't my knee it is a headache. There is always something. I don't like taking advil. I take too much too fast. It will kill me one of these days. I know it. My friend thinks I like am going to OD on Advil. hahah

People stopped hurting me a long time ago. It just makes me tired. Not mad, sad or angry, tired. I was called a bitch seven times today, a lesbian at least twice that, stupid five, whore twice, and a slut once.

I sound depressed.

My lab partner was sick today. So I asked this other guy. I think I scared him... I over do the fake happy thing. It isn't really fake happy. I am hyper and on a social high. When I am around kids my age, I am happy and fun. Otherwise I act "goth" or so people call it.

Back to the guy. He barely talked, and did not look me in the eye. lol Poor kid. I just went up to him and asked if he had a lab partner. I do that to people. Give them no other option, they just can't say no. Literally.

Pondering

I often ponder the meaning of our existence and to whether we actually have a purpose. I watch fish swim in their little bowls, and to them they are content with their meaningless lives. We watch them for pleasure, but they have no other purpose. They eat and swim, then die. What if that is all that we are here for? We eat, live, play, work, then die. What would that accomplish? Absolutely nothing. We are a waste of resources. What about those of us who in comparison to great minds do nothing during our lifetime? We again, are a waste of valuable resources. Who is to say I will make it to medical school, or even make a difference?

The fear of failure is ofter overcome with the fear of success. I find myself afraid of people mistaking my blind attempts at perfection with actually success. I tend to not apply myself with the fear that people will expect too much and I will not be able to deliver. I fake ditzy stupidity so when I don't act mature and put together it will be the norm.

It isn't something that I should be proud of, but when I am alone or with anyone close I am myself. Hah I even have a baby voice I use with people. Just trying to make myself seem stupid. I used to not care, and try to seem smart. Then they would just mock me if I did something mildly immature, stupid, or wrong. I was sick of it.

Today I won't care what my parents would think, of frankly what anyone would. I am not some emotionless teenage girl with no thoughts but flirting. I am sick of being afraid to flirt because of what people will think.

Every summer I change. It is like I am emerging into a new life. I am who I really am, and don't really care what anyone thinks because summer is a precious time that is over before it really begins. Today begins my ever lasting summer.